Origins

"mushfake" is a term coined by James Paul Gee, someone whose name I've read, underlined, circled and edited through for months now. Context: everyone has a primary discourse  - a set of communication skills and uses that are central to their learning an initial language. However, as we expand in life from that original language learning, we attempt new discourses, some of which we might come to be fluent within and others wherein we learn just enough to get by - language used as a sort of costume to fit in - that's "mushfake." I like to think I know this term pretty well, not because I take my Masters Comp exam tomorrow morning, for which I've been studying for months, reading about 7500 pages of text and filling a composition book, but also because I'm living it.

All of this reading and writing, all of this Masters work, has made me a mushfaker and at present, with my brain at capacity, I feel more like a mushflake - a term I've coined just now. Me: a pile of neurons and synapses taunt with ripe tension, armed with fingers ready to sit upon a keyboard to type for five hours and hope it is enough to prove I've earned entry into where I've attempted to go. Anyway, enough about that. "Mushfake" is also a word used in prison to refer to contraband. All in all, I think a variation of it works on every level for what I'm looking to do here.

What am I looking to do? I'm not sure exactly, which is what makes this all the better. For once, no plan, and I don't care. I just want to write. And read. And paint. And cook. And live. Did I mention write? Yes...that. I feel like I've given up so much to have a title after my name and while I will forever be appreciative of what I've gained in the process, I'm terrified about what I feel like I've lost - whole chunks of me - along the way. As I navigate through the rest of this year - through writing my thesis and defending my decisions, applying for jobs and taking on new challenges, I want something to ground me inside myself; an anchor to hold on to the woman who isn't afraid of the blank page, who cooks fearlessly, who loves to dive into a cold pool, who will kiss her boyfriend upside down and drive with the windows open listening to Bob Marley in the middle of winter. She and I have some catching up to do and I guess I just want some company along the way. Welcome to my spaceship.